Letter to my Exes
So this post is a bit personal about a past part of my life that i recently left. Around this time i was very unhappy and a bit unstable and still learning about myself and my feelings.
I am ready to share this part of my life because 1)it still holds me down to this very day and i hope by writing this it will let me be free to be who i am truly 2) maybe there are people who have experienced the same thing who can relate.
So before my current ex i had dated someone for almost 5 years and i loved him very much. Towards the end of this 5 year relationship i began to suffer from signs of depression terribly but really didn't realize it at the time because i was going through so much that i wasn't thinking clearly. I recall a time when i was so messed up in that point of my life that i was overwhelmed with working. My job had given me lots of hours and it was overwhelming. One day i was with my ex and after i called out of work to rest i began to have my very first panic attack. It was really really bad. It lasted 2 hours i believe and he comforted me the whole time thankfully. I am grateful that someone was there to support me because it was scary. It felt like i was having a heart attack. Like i was about to die. My chest was so tight it was hard to breathe. my heart was beating fast like i never felt it before and it was so hard to calm me down. After this it really didn't get much better but i do think i got a bit clingy to my boyfriend. I depended on him for just about everything and i was with him pretty much all the time. i never gave him time to breathe. But he wasn't a saint. There were times where i felt something was off and found inappropriate text messages between him and another longtime friend. She was also married which wasn't okay to me. He also apparently attempted to seduce his friend's girlfriend while with me and later suggested a threesome with her. At the time i didn't know what i knew. Which i think he was trying to get that message to me but again i wasn't thinking clearly through this time in my life.
So we decided amicably to end things and honestly i thought we would take a maybe a month break and be okay. we were still hanging out, flirting occasionally too. But one day i found out he was with someone. someone i always knew and feared he would leave me for. He had a "friend" who at first i never had a problem with. but something in me told me that he liked her WAY MORE than a friend. Before the breakup i even stupidly gave him a free pass to have the chance to have his way with one person. Looking back this was so damn stupid because he accepted this. And i knew who he would use it on. A friend later told me it was the same girl. This broke my heart on so many different levels when i found out. mostly because he told me he was the godfather of her child and now they were dating. I was confused, upset, sad, heartbroken and was spiraling into a dark place.
He wasn't perfect but he did alot for me in that relationship that i can truly be thankful for and at one point we were in love. to this day it still hurts me and its been....maybe 1 or 2 years since it ended. It always hurts. It was bad when i found out and when i was first dealing with it. we went out to lunch together and he told me straight up they were together and even told me they had valentines day plans. so after lunch i went to work and was a fucking mess but i got my shit together enough to manage through the day. I was fighting back tears the whole day and guess who walks in my job? The new girlfriend with her friend. and they were mocking me behind their hands and looking and me very evilly and smugly. I of course was the only one available at the register so i had to ring them up. As they left out they laughed at me and i broke down. i texted him and let him know what happened and tried to get him to understand that i was upset and that this behavior was not okay. I knew where she worked and i would have never behaved like this or treated her this way at her job.
I was shocked when he pretty much didn't believe me or didn't care i guess he felt like i was insulting him or something but i was very angry about what happened. Later i tried fighting to win him back because i still loved him. even wrote out my feelings to him but he chose her and so it was over. It only got worse for me from there.
To this day it still hurts, but i am more accepting of what has happened and i have learned from my actions. Back then i was not in a good place at all. And looking back it was clear he wasn't in love with me anymore towards the end. Apparently he couldn't understand what was going on with me because i had trouble speaking my feelings to people for fear of vulnerability and showing weakness. So he found comfort in his current gf. In a way i learned so much from that experience. although i really can't be around him or his gf even by chance for my mental sake i am glad they are both happy and i truly wish them the best and all the happiness in the world.
Now onto the story of my current ex.
This relationship i never really like to talk about. mainly out of fear within myself but it's time i share how at least i felt in this relationship. Originally i never planned for this relationship to even happen tbh. He just happened to come into my life at the right time. I had just ended things with my other ex and i needed something to boost me back up. This ex i dated in high school so i figured it wouldnt hurt to reconnect and see what was up. I knew he was interested of course but i figured it would go slow and in time whatever happened would happen.
So i went out with him and a friend of his for drinks and long story short, we ended up having sex that same night which was not in my plans. I didn't care though since i have the mindset of whatever happens happens and it does for a reason. Months later, he reveals to me that he slipped something in my drink to make me sexually aroused and i guess make me want to have sex with him. Stupidly i did not end things at that point. Mainly because it was months after the event happened and so it's not like i could even report it if i wanted to since the evidence was gone. He promised me it wouldn't happen again and i moved about my life.
Looking back i should have never let things go the way they did. First, when we decided to date i wasn't really ready to accept him as my boyfriend. The only reason i did was to stop him from arguing with me which became a trend in the relationship. When we got together it was over a fight regarding me telling him that i was not his girl. He was saying something about this and i said that i never agreed to be his gf. thus an argument came about and out of frustration i just said yes and agreed.
And right off the bat we both knew the important things about one another. I liked to travel and i liked Disney. Simple. he liked his vehicles and sex. At the time im just thinking " okay what else is new all guys like that shit." so i paid it no mind. he did confide in me that he liked trying different things so i didn't mind opening my horizons to new things sexually. No big deal. Turns out he pretty much had a sex addiction. This would be another factor that came into play with the relationship.
Basically throughout the relationship many assumptions were made on his end in my opinion. I felt that i really wasn't appreciated or honestly in a real relationship after a few months. I felt like alot was being asked of me but i really wasn't getting my needs met in return. And many things would be my fault for some reason one way or another. For example, i planned a trip to go to Disney and i accidentally had it scheduled for the time of his birthday. I asked him if he wanted me to change the dates so i could spend his birthday with him, he said no. I bought him 3 birthday presents to make up for my lack of presence during his day before i left. It's good to point out i never received a birthday gift from him or any gift for that matter. According to him, material things did not matter to him. So why accept the gifts then? later int he year in one of our thousand arguments he would use this instance as a weapon against me. He would say i did not care about him because i left during his birthday even though i asked him if he wanted to to stay and bought him gifts.
Many arguments included me being guilted about situations that sometimes i really just had no control over. I would be told i dont care about him and i only care about myself. That i am not being fair (that was the most common one i heard ) or i am being selfish because i am thinking only of myself. Occasionally in a rage he would call me a bitch or something along those lines. something you should never really call your gf. and he would always change his tune and beg me to stay with him or promise me to not leave him. I always felt guilt and i was really unhappy. Some days would be okay or even great. other days i felt like he just wanted sex from me. towards the end of the relationship that was my mindset completely.
So with our sexual relationship it was great. He was a great partner but after a while it got to the point where i would just lie there and just answer his questions with a simple yes or no. To start we have never had sex on his bed or any furniture for that matter. It was ALWAYS on the floor that would be the place we would have sex. We tried different things and most of the time i was either guilted into it or did it just to stop him from complaining about how i dont care about him.
He wanted me to join a swingers club. even asked me to find someone to have a threesome with. He asked for his christmas gift to be a threesome with him and his brother. surprise i received nothing for christmas but to be fair he had no job at the time and i didnt ask. He asked me again to have sex with his brother. asked me to have sex with him and different friends. it was getting to the point where i felt uncomfortable having sex at all. it was just being too much and yet he would either make me feel guilty for not wanting to have sex or not saying yes to his sexual requests.
Then came the point in my life where my depression got really bad. There came a point late last year where i got so deep into my depression that i attempted suicide. fortunately the amount of sleeping pills i took only made me sleep for like a whole day and didn't actually hurt me. But part of the depression was the relationship. at this point is when i realized something was wrong and i needed to get help. so i went to a therapist and got diagnosed with moderate depression, which turns out runs in my family. when i was given the test i was two points away from manic apparently.
Therapy helped because it helped me discover my underlying issues, how to handle it and helped me see what was wrong in my life and what to remove and add in it. I kind of realized going towards the end of my relationship that my ex truly didn't grasp the concept of my depression and how it affects me. I started letting my loved ones know about my condition about a month into my therapy sessions. First my family then my friends so i told my ex when i told my father and sister. This was a big step for me because i was in fear that i would be judged because of my condition which is why i never really spoke on my feelings. and to be fair this was an issue in the relationship too. I never spoke on my true feelings and so i was hurting myself and the relationship by doing this. He seemed to be very amazingly understanding about it when i explained it to him and so i felt more able to be able to express my feelings to him. i quickly saw that he didn't grasp how it affects me. I told him i was going on medication for my depression and the side effects which included low sex drive. The medicine made me not want to have sex at all to be honest and for some reason ,knowing that i told him that was a side effect, he still complained that i acted uninterested in him. i told him quite often that it was my medicine but of course he didn't get it.
He would still argue with me, call me names, make me feel guilty, etc not understanding that those words had power and it didn't help my depression, I also asked for something that i found very simple. I asked him for a bit if affection. Honestly in a relationship where we rarely to almost never went on a date, where he never met my family in a relationship that was over a year old, never met my friends and never really did the normal things you would expect to do in a relationship, i would think this would not be too much to ask.
I should have taken him seriously when he told me he was not one to give affection or be "lovey dovey" as he called it because he truly wasn't capable. i wasn't asking to cuddle up and watch netflix as he would say to me mockingly. He would always say he 's not like those niggas that i dated in the past even though i never once compared him to an ex of mine. he always made it seem like what i asked for was the world yet when he asked me to have sex with his brother it was like asking for something small. it always seemed like his needs being met were far more important than mine being met when in reality i was trying to compromise and create a balance. He always pointed out the negative and it was so tiring. Or when i would muster up the courage to say that i was unhappy he would either point out something negative, say he would do something for me or both in one conversation and i would fall for it. he always explained his situation and the importance of his own situation and it got to the point where he ranted so long that i didn't even care to explain my own viewpoints. most of the time i didnt even bother because i knew it wouldnt make a difference. he would just say im selfish or something along those lines.
He would make promises of getting a hotel room and having a nice evening together. that never happened. and yet he complained about my traveling and how he can't go with me even though i never invited him knowing that he could not go because of his job. Once he got his dream job i was happy for him and he said things would be better but they were pretty much the same. it was an on call job so there was no way to schedule plans because he could get called upon to come in at anytime and most of the time this happened. it wasn't his fault but it got a bit annoying. After a while i realized his promises were empty and that the things i did for him meant very little. I would perform sexual acts for him and never get the same in return. i would buy him lunch and it got to a point where he expected it at one point. I recall even giving him the last of my check in order for him to open a bank account for his new mechanic job and just never got much gratitude for that. many times i gave and gave and gave and got little in return.
After a while i just got numb to it all. I got so tired of getting my hopes up with him and his promises. I knew he was really a good person at heart but i was just not happy with him. towards the last two months i realized that i could truly be happy without him. I waited for the best time to break it off but for a few weeks it seemed like he was trying and getting better. he was reading this blog and i didnt even tell him i made one. he was trying to be interested in things i liked. i had just gotten to the point where i stopped caring anymore. Ii didn't care if he met my parents or my friends. Honestly it got to the point where i didn't want him to. I never even told my friends about him. The problem was he tried too late. by the time he tried to make things better and make me happy i was already checked out and done with him and the relationship. I didn't care what he said about me or what he did. I didn't even want to have sex with him anymore. I tried one last time to go to dinner with him but he only talked about himself and his motorcycle and how he was mad that he couldn't ride it due to rain. Not one thing about me. god forbid we discuss anything regarding me or i would be deemed selfish and uncaring of his needs. Nothing new. There were many times i asked if we could go out and do something or see a movie but couldn't because of work which was understood. But no matter what, i realized nothing about me mattered to him. One day as usual a text led to an argument which led to a long phone call of him going on about how im not interested and i don't care about him and the usual junk. On and on about how he needs to surround himself with positive people and how he can get any bitch he wants and blah blah.I will never forget when he told me "you're smart, beautiful and (something i can't remember) but you have a really bad attitude." That's how i knew i made the right decision to end it with him. he never understood that i go through sad episodes sometimes. it will happen. As a black woman After a while he asked if i wanted to break up with him and i said yes. He hung up on me. I felt the biggest lift off my shoulders. it was over.
He texted me later on saying how i was wrong and rude for leading him on into thinking he was making a difference. to be fair i did do that by not speaking. but this was due to the fact that he always said i used my depression as an excuse for my actions. But my depression led me to make stupid choices depending on how severe it was. I reverted back to not wanting to speak about how i felt because of how the relationship was not progressing. I fought the urge to answer the text because he would say things that would make me want to feel to respond.
Its been maybe about a month or two since it ended with him and i have gone about my life normally and peacefully. I am more focused than ever on work and getting an education. I feel free to do the things i love without judgment. if you only knew how many times i was told i love disney and my friends more than me and yet he could never take the time to meet them or speak with them. If you only knew how long i waited for him to finally meet my family and friends after he promised he would once he got a steady job and was established. empty promises.
And so what i have learned form this experience is that i really made bad decisions and was not in the best mindset when making them. I dont regret any decision i made because they were learning experiences. If i could actually say how i truly felt to him with him actually understanding, no matter how cliche it sounds, it was partially my fault for how things turned out as i was not truly myself. The fact of the matter is is that i needed to be alone. i was in not mindset to be in a relationship nor was i in a mindset to give attention to another person. For the sake of my mental health i needed to be alone. And since i have gotten out of the relationship i have been alot happier and more focused.
I currently have no intentions of dating anyone or getting in a relationship with anyone. I need to focus on myself and making sure i am able to make myself happy as possible before i can do so for anyone else. It is not possible to make someone else happy if i can't even make my own self happy. And if that makes me selfish than so be it. I need to do the best for my life and my well being. And everyone should do the same.
I am ready to share this part of my life because 1)it still holds me down to this very day and i hope by writing this it will let me be free to be who i am truly 2) maybe there are people who have experienced the same thing who can relate.
So before my current ex i had dated someone for almost 5 years and i loved him very much. Towards the end of this 5 year relationship i began to suffer from signs of depression terribly but really didn't realize it at the time because i was going through so much that i wasn't thinking clearly. I recall a time when i was so messed up in that point of my life that i was overwhelmed with working. My job had given me lots of hours and it was overwhelming. One day i was with my ex and after i called out of work to rest i began to have my very first panic attack. It was really really bad. It lasted 2 hours i believe and he comforted me the whole time thankfully. I am grateful that someone was there to support me because it was scary. It felt like i was having a heart attack. Like i was about to die. My chest was so tight it was hard to breathe. my heart was beating fast like i never felt it before and it was so hard to calm me down. After this it really didn't get much better but i do think i got a bit clingy to my boyfriend. I depended on him for just about everything and i was with him pretty much all the time. i never gave him time to breathe. But he wasn't a saint. There were times where i felt something was off and found inappropriate text messages between him and another longtime friend. She was also married which wasn't okay to me. He also apparently attempted to seduce his friend's girlfriend while with me and later suggested a threesome with her. At the time i didn't know what i knew. Which i think he was trying to get that message to me but again i wasn't thinking clearly through this time in my life.
So we decided amicably to end things and honestly i thought we would take a maybe a month break and be okay. we were still hanging out, flirting occasionally too. But one day i found out he was with someone. someone i always knew and feared he would leave me for. He had a "friend" who at first i never had a problem with. but something in me told me that he liked her WAY MORE than a friend. Before the breakup i even stupidly gave him a free pass to have the chance to have his way with one person. Looking back this was so damn stupid because he accepted this. And i knew who he would use it on. A friend later told me it was the same girl. This broke my heart on so many different levels when i found out. mostly because he told me he was the godfather of her child and now they were dating. I was confused, upset, sad, heartbroken and was spiraling into a dark place.
He wasn't perfect but he did alot for me in that relationship that i can truly be thankful for and at one point we were in love. to this day it still hurts me and its been....maybe 1 or 2 years since it ended. It always hurts. It was bad when i found out and when i was first dealing with it. we went out to lunch together and he told me straight up they were together and even told me they had valentines day plans. so after lunch i went to work and was a fucking mess but i got my shit together enough to manage through the day. I was fighting back tears the whole day and guess who walks in my job? The new girlfriend with her friend. and they were mocking me behind their hands and looking and me very evilly and smugly. I of course was the only one available at the register so i had to ring them up. As they left out they laughed at me and i broke down. i texted him and let him know what happened and tried to get him to understand that i was upset and that this behavior was not okay. I knew where she worked and i would have never behaved like this or treated her this way at her job.
I was shocked when he pretty much didn't believe me or didn't care i guess he felt like i was insulting him or something but i was very angry about what happened. Later i tried fighting to win him back because i still loved him. even wrote out my feelings to him but he chose her and so it was over. It only got worse for me from there.
To this day it still hurts, but i am more accepting of what has happened and i have learned from my actions. Back then i was not in a good place at all. And looking back it was clear he wasn't in love with me anymore towards the end. Apparently he couldn't understand what was going on with me because i had trouble speaking my feelings to people for fear of vulnerability and showing weakness. So he found comfort in his current gf. In a way i learned so much from that experience. although i really can't be around him or his gf even by chance for my mental sake i am glad they are both happy and i truly wish them the best and all the happiness in the world.
Now onto the story of my current ex.
This relationship i never really like to talk about. mainly out of fear within myself but it's time i share how at least i felt in this relationship. Originally i never planned for this relationship to even happen tbh. He just happened to come into my life at the right time. I had just ended things with my other ex and i needed something to boost me back up. This ex i dated in high school so i figured it wouldnt hurt to reconnect and see what was up. I knew he was interested of course but i figured it would go slow and in time whatever happened would happen.
So i went out with him and a friend of his for drinks and long story short, we ended up having sex that same night which was not in my plans. I didn't care though since i have the mindset of whatever happens happens and it does for a reason. Months later, he reveals to me that he slipped something in my drink to make me sexually aroused and i guess make me want to have sex with him. Stupidly i did not end things at that point. Mainly because it was months after the event happened and so it's not like i could even report it if i wanted to since the evidence was gone. He promised me it wouldn't happen again and i moved about my life.
Looking back i should have never let things go the way they did. First, when we decided to date i wasn't really ready to accept him as my boyfriend. The only reason i did was to stop him from arguing with me which became a trend in the relationship. When we got together it was over a fight regarding me telling him that i was not his girl. He was saying something about this and i said that i never agreed to be his gf. thus an argument came about and out of frustration i just said yes and agreed.
And right off the bat we both knew the important things about one another. I liked to travel and i liked Disney. Simple. he liked his vehicles and sex. At the time im just thinking " okay what else is new all guys like that shit." so i paid it no mind. he did confide in me that he liked trying different things so i didn't mind opening my horizons to new things sexually. No big deal. Turns out he pretty much had a sex addiction. This would be another factor that came into play with the relationship.
Basically throughout the relationship many assumptions were made on his end in my opinion. I felt that i really wasn't appreciated or honestly in a real relationship after a few months. I felt like alot was being asked of me but i really wasn't getting my needs met in return. And many things would be my fault for some reason one way or another. For example, i planned a trip to go to Disney and i accidentally had it scheduled for the time of his birthday. I asked him if he wanted me to change the dates so i could spend his birthday with him, he said no. I bought him 3 birthday presents to make up for my lack of presence during his day before i left. It's good to point out i never received a birthday gift from him or any gift for that matter. According to him, material things did not matter to him. So why accept the gifts then? later int he year in one of our thousand arguments he would use this instance as a weapon against me. He would say i did not care about him because i left during his birthday even though i asked him if he wanted to to stay and bought him gifts.
Many arguments included me being guilted about situations that sometimes i really just had no control over. I would be told i dont care about him and i only care about myself. That i am not being fair (that was the most common one i heard ) or i am being selfish because i am thinking only of myself. Occasionally in a rage he would call me a bitch or something along those lines. something you should never really call your gf. and he would always change his tune and beg me to stay with him or promise me to not leave him. I always felt guilt and i was really unhappy. Some days would be okay or even great. other days i felt like he just wanted sex from me. towards the end of the relationship that was my mindset completely.
So with our sexual relationship it was great. He was a great partner but after a while it got to the point where i would just lie there and just answer his questions with a simple yes or no. To start we have never had sex on his bed or any furniture for that matter. It was ALWAYS on the floor that would be the place we would have sex. We tried different things and most of the time i was either guilted into it or did it just to stop him from complaining about how i dont care about him.
He wanted me to join a swingers club. even asked me to find someone to have a threesome with. He asked for his christmas gift to be a threesome with him and his brother. surprise i received nothing for christmas but to be fair he had no job at the time and i didnt ask. He asked me again to have sex with his brother. asked me to have sex with him and different friends. it was getting to the point where i felt uncomfortable having sex at all. it was just being too much and yet he would either make me feel guilty for not wanting to have sex or not saying yes to his sexual requests.
Then came the point in my life where my depression got really bad. There came a point late last year where i got so deep into my depression that i attempted suicide. fortunately the amount of sleeping pills i took only made me sleep for like a whole day and didn't actually hurt me. But part of the depression was the relationship. at this point is when i realized something was wrong and i needed to get help. so i went to a therapist and got diagnosed with moderate depression, which turns out runs in my family. when i was given the test i was two points away from manic apparently.
Therapy helped because it helped me discover my underlying issues, how to handle it and helped me see what was wrong in my life and what to remove and add in it. I kind of realized going towards the end of my relationship that my ex truly didn't grasp the concept of my depression and how it affects me. I started letting my loved ones know about my condition about a month into my therapy sessions. First my family then my friends so i told my ex when i told my father and sister. This was a big step for me because i was in fear that i would be judged because of my condition which is why i never really spoke on my feelings. and to be fair this was an issue in the relationship too. I never spoke on my true feelings and so i was hurting myself and the relationship by doing this. He seemed to be very amazingly understanding about it when i explained it to him and so i felt more able to be able to express my feelings to him. i quickly saw that he didn't grasp how it affects me. I told him i was going on medication for my depression and the side effects which included low sex drive. The medicine made me not want to have sex at all to be honest and for some reason ,knowing that i told him that was a side effect, he still complained that i acted uninterested in him. i told him quite often that it was my medicine but of course he didn't get it.
He would still argue with me, call me names, make me feel guilty, etc not understanding that those words had power and it didn't help my depression, I also asked for something that i found very simple. I asked him for a bit if affection. Honestly in a relationship where we rarely to almost never went on a date, where he never met my family in a relationship that was over a year old, never met my friends and never really did the normal things you would expect to do in a relationship, i would think this would not be too much to ask.
I should have taken him seriously when he told me he was not one to give affection or be "lovey dovey" as he called it because he truly wasn't capable. i wasn't asking to cuddle up and watch netflix as he would say to me mockingly. He would always say he 's not like those niggas that i dated in the past even though i never once compared him to an ex of mine. he always made it seem like what i asked for was the world yet when he asked me to have sex with his brother it was like asking for something small. it always seemed like his needs being met were far more important than mine being met when in reality i was trying to compromise and create a balance. He always pointed out the negative and it was so tiring. Or when i would muster up the courage to say that i was unhappy he would either point out something negative, say he would do something for me or both in one conversation and i would fall for it. he always explained his situation and the importance of his own situation and it got to the point where he ranted so long that i didn't even care to explain my own viewpoints. most of the time i didnt even bother because i knew it wouldnt make a difference. he would just say im selfish or something along those lines.
He would make promises of getting a hotel room and having a nice evening together. that never happened. and yet he complained about my traveling and how he can't go with me even though i never invited him knowing that he could not go because of his job. Once he got his dream job i was happy for him and he said things would be better but they were pretty much the same. it was an on call job so there was no way to schedule plans because he could get called upon to come in at anytime and most of the time this happened. it wasn't his fault but it got a bit annoying. After a while i realized his promises were empty and that the things i did for him meant very little. I would perform sexual acts for him and never get the same in return. i would buy him lunch and it got to a point where he expected it at one point. I recall even giving him the last of my check in order for him to open a bank account for his new mechanic job and just never got much gratitude for that. many times i gave and gave and gave and got little in return.
After a while i just got numb to it all. I got so tired of getting my hopes up with him and his promises. I knew he was really a good person at heart but i was just not happy with him. towards the last two months i realized that i could truly be happy without him. I waited for the best time to break it off but for a few weeks it seemed like he was trying and getting better. he was reading this blog and i didnt even tell him i made one. he was trying to be interested in things i liked. i had just gotten to the point where i stopped caring anymore. Ii didn't care if he met my parents or my friends. Honestly it got to the point where i didn't want him to. I never even told my friends about him. The problem was he tried too late. by the time he tried to make things better and make me happy i was already checked out and done with him and the relationship. I didn't care what he said about me or what he did. I didn't even want to have sex with him anymore. I tried one last time to go to dinner with him but he only talked about himself and his motorcycle and how he was mad that he couldn't ride it due to rain. Not one thing about me. god forbid we discuss anything regarding me or i would be deemed selfish and uncaring of his needs. Nothing new. There were many times i asked if we could go out and do something or see a movie but couldn't because of work which was understood. But no matter what, i realized nothing about me mattered to him. One day as usual a text led to an argument which led to a long phone call of him going on about how im not interested and i don't care about him and the usual junk. On and on about how he needs to surround himself with positive people and how he can get any bitch he wants and blah blah.I will never forget when he told me "you're smart, beautiful and (something i can't remember) but you have a really bad attitude." That's how i knew i made the right decision to end it with him. he never understood that i go through sad episodes sometimes. it will happen. As a black woman After a while he asked if i wanted to break up with him and i said yes. He hung up on me. I felt the biggest lift off my shoulders. it was over.
He texted me later on saying how i was wrong and rude for leading him on into thinking he was making a difference. to be fair i did do that by not speaking. but this was due to the fact that he always said i used my depression as an excuse for my actions. But my depression led me to make stupid choices depending on how severe it was. I reverted back to not wanting to speak about how i felt because of how the relationship was not progressing. I fought the urge to answer the text because he would say things that would make me want to feel to respond.
Its been maybe about a month or two since it ended with him and i have gone about my life normally and peacefully. I am more focused than ever on work and getting an education. I feel free to do the things i love without judgment. if you only knew how many times i was told i love disney and my friends more than me and yet he could never take the time to meet them or speak with them. If you only knew how long i waited for him to finally meet my family and friends after he promised he would once he got a steady job and was established. empty promises.
And so what i have learned form this experience is that i really made bad decisions and was not in the best mindset when making them. I dont regret any decision i made because they were learning experiences. If i could actually say how i truly felt to him with him actually understanding, no matter how cliche it sounds, it was partially my fault for how things turned out as i was not truly myself. The fact of the matter is is that i needed to be alone. i was in not mindset to be in a relationship nor was i in a mindset to give attention to another person. For the sake of my mental health i needed to be alone. And since i have gotten out of the relationship i have been alot happier and more focused.
I currently have no intentions of dating anyone or getting in a relationship with anyone. I need to focus on myself and making sure i am able to make myself happy as possible before i can do so for anyone else. It is not possible to make someone else happy if i can't even make my own self happy. And if that makes me selfish than so be it. I need to do the best for my life and my well being. And everyone should do the same.
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